Saturday, August 19, 2006

Go ahead, Hug a Spammer!

by Kevin Burns

As Butthead once said, "Beavis, you have to have stuff that sucks to have stuff that's cool."

It isn`t often that I take the time to thank all of the people who Email me. Today I received over 160 Emails and only two were from friends. It is so sad that the spammers of today, go unthanked. I mean they have a purpose to perform too, and I`m sure that many of them are supporting families with their hard work. Some probably have dying mothers and dogs with three legs to support. Just a sec, I need a tissue.

I just wanted to say, that if you were one of the thousands who have contacted me about penis enlargement over the past 12 months, a big thank you to you! I realize your job must be hard, and it must be embarrassing at parties when people ask, "So what do you do?"

I still remember the brief time I was a telephone surveyor, what a tough job that was. I can`t imagine what it must be like to be a penile spam merchant. Good luck to you, and I hope you continue to serve mankind in the way that God has chosen for you. Good hunting!

It is nice to know that so many people are concerned about whether I can get it up or not. Did my wife contact you somehow? Oh there I go again, bein` paranoid. I`m talkin` of course `bout sportin` a woody. I`m 40 now, and functioning fine, thanks for asking! If I do ever have any trouble in that way, I will be sure to contact one of the thousands who have offered me Viagra and the like. If you ever have a free sample, I might bite.

As for free porno movies, again a big domo arigato eh! I am touched. Really! It isn`t often that you get anything for free, and I really believe it when you say that you need my credit card just for registration purposes. Like Steve Martin before me though, I learned about sex by watching the neighbourhood dogs. Who needs movies? I have it live right in front of my house. Here`s a tip, ala Steve Martin, never let go of her leg guys! I didn`t read that in any "How to Make Love to a Woman," book.

To all my friends from Nigeria. Hey man! Thank you for your kind consideration. I would love to have millions of dollars in my bank account. Who wouldn`t? It is amazing how much money you guys have to throw around. I mean you don`t ever spend it on yourselves? Like Bob Barker you`re just givin` it away. Isn`t there anything you want for yourselves, like say, fresh water? Two million dollars would go a long way to putting in pipes to bring in fresh water for a village the size of Mombuko for example.

Boy your government changes every week, and I just can`t keep up with all the generals and government officials who need to get money out of Nigeria. Are all you guys related? I mean you all know my Email address. Sometimes five of ya Email me on the same day. It really is like playing Let`s Make a Deal. "Go for the Army General!" "No go for the city official!" --the audience screams. "So Kevin Burns," Bob Barker mugs to the camera, "which will it be, the city official or the army general?"

I just can`t choose who to receive the money from, and I really don`t deserve your money.

About getting the greenbacks out of Nigeria, I really feel a Swiss bank or one in the Cayman`s would be more helpful, than some poor smuck of an English teacher like moi? There are things like suitcases you know. Can`t you just carry it on a plane?

I know none of what I say will stop all of you from caring about little old me and spamming, sorry! I mean sending me your Emails. I could tell you until I am slumped over my delete key that I don`t need your money nor a larger organ, but you guys really do care, and want to let me know just how rich and huge I could be. I understand that. That`s what friends are for.

Just to give you a little of it back, I have subscribed you all to my newsletter, where I not only tell you my life story, growing up a rich white child (with a black dog named Sheba), in a small town in British Columbia; but I tell you all the secrets I have learned as a crazy Canuck living in the boondocks of Japan. Not only how to eat low level forms of sea life while they are still moving on your plate, (Geez Hiroko, that sure is fresh!), but other more practical things too!

Here is just one example of what you get by being subscribed to "Kev`s Secrets of Life." I will tell you things like:

"Now is your chance to be Governor of California! Anyone can run! Even the Terminator! Go for it. Sixty-five signatures and a few thousand bucks and you are a candidate. Not good looking enough to be governor? You too can get a great face lift (Just ask Arnold) and look sexy, desirable, and like a potential California Governor in just three weeks, Or Your Money Refunded!

You probably think, wow, "Kev`s Secrets of Life," that must cost over a thousand dollars, but hey, It`s completely free! Just send me your credit card number for registration purposes. (Offer not available in Mombuko, Nigeria.) (Canadians please include GST, PST, SST, EST,and LSD).

Kev`s Secrets of Life PO Box 987A Mombuko, Nigeria

Kevin Burns, author of "Offers from Nigeria for Dummies" and "The Complete History of Quiche"

"You have a friend in Mombuko!" --John Pennsylvania, Speech before the White House, October, 1943

About the Author

Kevin Burns is a writer, university teacher and owner of Kevin`s English Schools, the Canadian schools in Japan! He also writes and edits his free online guide to Japan called Travel Central Japan -- When not joking around, he and his wife operate a General Store which ships things for home throughout Japan This article may be published anywhe

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